Riddle 010: No Thanks, Milkman [Fail!Filter to Harley]

[questionauthority]

[You might hear the sounds of an attack turkey banging against a door. Edward's managed to trap it in his bedroom closet... for now.]

H-H-Harley?! Do you still have that mallet? I may need some help with---

[There's a sound like wood splintering. And breaking. Edward shrieks, accordingly.

Happy Thanksgiving, Mayfield.]

Comments

[strike-you-out.livejournal.com]

[The turkey has launched itself airborne in the direction of Edward's face when suddenly, it's struck by an arc of gold and sent careening into the far wall with a slimy THUD.

And just whom is responsible for saving your face from this undead poultry monstrosity, Edward? Why, it is none other than your "SON". (It was an accident, really; he just felt like hitting something.)

Slugger rests the bat on his shoulder, grinning.]

[puzzlerprince.livejournal.com]

[Edward just freezes in place, unsure of what to be more shocked about. The turkey that came to life and attacked him so viciously, or his psychotic "son" saving his life.]

Th-thank you?

[strike-you-out.livejournal.com]

You let it in the house?

[Oh "Father", you've screwed up royally this time. Susan's going to be pissed.]

This is worse than the liver.

[puzzlerprince.livejournal.com]

I just found it on the porch! I suppose I should have been a bit more careful, but---

Wait. No, if anything, the liver is still worse! At least you could get rid of the turkey easily. That smell? It'll take at least a day to air that room out!

[strike-you-out.livejournal.com]

[As if to invalidate Eddie's very words, the turkey gives a violent twitch. Apparently, it was only stunned.

Slugger will use this moment to sneak out of the room.]

[puzzlerprince.livejournal.com]

[He doesn't notice, initially.]

Where do you think you're going!? I'm not done with you yet. You honestly think I'll let you---

[He trails off at the sound of a low warbling. With wide eyes, he glances over at the fallen turkey, notices it pushing itself up off the ground like some kind of zombie. It doesn't take very long for the turkey to launch itself at Edward again. Edward squeals, racing out the door.]

Slugger! Slugger, wait!

[strike-you-out.livejournal.com]

[Sorry, did you say something, Edward? Slugger is halfway down the steps when a bright idea presents itself. He grabs a chair from the dining room and places it on the steps to create a sort of obstacle course. Then he dashes to the nearest sofa. And sits!]

[puzzlerprince.livejournal.com]

[Riddle me this. What's bright green, bright red, and absolutely terrified? Answer: Edward Nigma, toppling loudly down the stairs after tripping over that damned chair. The turkey pounces on his back and is currently pounding its meaty little wings against him.]

[strike-you-out.livejournal.com]

[All this while Slugger does... absolutely nothing to make things any less horrific. The only thing he's debating right now is which one of you to mash into a greasy pulp first.]

[puzzlerprince.livejournal.com]

[Oh, you're making him desperate. Riddler's flopping around on the ground, trying to wrestle this plucked bird off of him.]

S-Slugger! Get it off!

[strike-you-out.livejournal.com]

[Alas, Slugger has wandered away from this ridiculous pandemonium and into the kitchen. But he isn't gone long. Upon return, he drops a meat fork onto the floor and gives it a good nudge with his foot in Edward's direction.

One would hope Edward grabs it before the turkey does.]

[puzzlerprince.livejournal.com]

[He hears the metal SHIIIIINK of the fork sliding across the floor. With a surprisingly quick reflex, Riddler grabs it and stabs the turkey where its heart would be. It lets out a long SHRIEK of pain.]

Ha! Take that!

[He flips over, stabbing the bird repeatedly in the chest until it stops warbling. No sense in not going all out, since it's theoretically already a dead bird. When the bird's been mangled up enough, Eddie starts to take it easy, panting heavily.]

[strike-you-out.livejournal.com]

[A slow clap emanates from the entryway leading into the kitchen where Slugger is standing, leaning against a wall.

Good show. Short but memorable.]

I'm not eating it. [It's been on the floor.]

[puzzlerprince.livejournal.com]

[Is this his idea of "Father-Son Bonding?!" Eddie just kind of glances up at Slugger, out of breath.]

[strike-you-out.livejournal.com]

[Once it's evident that the turkey isn't getting up for round three, Slugger pushes away from the wall and ventures over to get a better look at it. Drawing a carving knife, he crouches down across from Eddie and begins to turn over and poke at the remains.

Nothing but bread inside, how could this be?]

[puzzlerprince.livejournal.com]

[Adjusting his bowler hat, Edward sits up and surveys the turkey's insides.]

Nothing but bread? ...that's impossible. But then, Mayfield is all about the impossible, isn't it?

[crazyclownwoman.livejournal.com]

I'm - Kinda- usin' it -- right -now!

[Whacks in all the pauses. Guess who's turkey was full of spiders.]

[puzzlerprince.livejournal.com]

Now's no time to be s-selfish, Harley!

[crazyclownwoman.livejournal.com]

I'm - being - attacked - by spiders!

It's the perfect time!

[puzzlerprince.livejournal.com]

Well, I'm being attacked by an undead turkey! What do you think is more important right now?!

[crazyclownwoman.livejournal.com]

Spiders!

[puzzlerprince.livejournal.com]

Well, if you---

[He's interrupted by the sound of glass smashing.]

Oh, Susan's going to be angry... If you manage to finish up with the spiders anytime soon, get over to my house. I'll---I'll help you out if I finish up first.

[No, he won't. But it's the thought that counts.]

[crazyclownwoman.livejournal.com]

[Whack, whack.]

I can't! The doors are locked! I can't get out of the house!

[puzzlerprince.livejournal.com]

Oh, for the love of---

No, no, not the bed, not the---

[CRASH. SMASH.]

[crazyclownwoman.livejournal.com]

[Whoa! Dead spider, wait...]

An undead Turkey?

[puzzlerprince.livejournal.com]

YES! It's---it's chasing me around the house!

[crazyclownwoman.livejournal.com]

Then hit it with something!!

[Whack of another dead spider]

[puzzlerprince.livejournal.com]

THAT'S WHY I ASKED FOR THE MALLET!

[crazyclownwoman.livejournal.com]

FIND SOMETHING ELSE!